Obviously, your best bet is to be drug free at the time of the test. I would recommend two months of drug abstinence before the drug test.
Drug retention periods are as follows:
| Compound | Approx. Retention |
|---|
| Amphetamines | 20-25 days |
| Barbituates | 10-14 days |
| Cocaine | 2-4 days |
| Ethyl Alcohol | 1-2 days |
| LSD | 20-40 days |
| Marijuana | 14-30 days |
| Methaqualone | 14-21 days |
| Opiates | 10-14 days |
| Phenocyclidine (PCP) | 10-14 days |
Note: Length of retention varies because of many factors, including bodyweight, metabolism, body fat ratio, and the quantity and concentration of the drug. Given the above information, you may find yourself in need of a way to beat drug testing other than 2 months of abstinence.
- First off, water is your best friend. Drink a LOT of it.
- Secondly, purge your system. Urinate as often as you can before the actual test. The first urine of the day contains the highest concentration of contaminant particles. Some people can't "go" with someone watching. The testers, to speed upexcretion, might encourage you to drink as much water as you can. DO IT!
- Thirdly, adjust your sleep cycle. Getting up earlier will let you squeezein more trips to the bathroom before the test. If necessary, stay up all night and drink water.
- Fourthly, use your glands. A good sauna flushes out impurities through sweat. THC and other metabolites are retained in fatty tissues. Any exercise to reduce body fat may help you beat the test. Intense watering does not hide the presence of any illicit substance. You are aiming to dilute all traces to a level below the cut off point needed for a positive result. This is mandatory, elementary defense.
The Consent Form:
To protect themselves from lawsuits, testers will ask you to sign a urinalysis consent form. It will ask you to list the drugs you've taken in the past week. Cross out the word "week" and write in "month." If the supervisor screams at you, just tell him you read an article that said an over-the-counter drug you took for the flu three weeks ago could show up. Now for the drugs. For almost every illegal drug there is an OTC drug that tests positive.
Here is a list of cross-reacting drugs that you should list on the consent form:
| Drug/Metabolite | Cross-Reactive |
|---|
| Amphetetamine | OTC cold medicines, such as Nyquil, Vicks Nasal Spray, Sudafed, Neosynephren, etc. |
| Barbiturate | Rarely prescribed compounds... you're hosed |
| Cannaboids | Ibuprofen (Advil, Nuprin, Motrin, Mydol) |
| Cocaine | Amoxicillin (unconfirmed) |
| Methaqualone | None reported to date |
| Morphine | Codeine (in any prescription form) Poppy seeds |
| Doxylamine | OTC antihistamines and sleeping pills |
| Phencyclidine (PCP) | Dextromethororphan (found in some prescription cough medicines) |
| LSD | Diazepam (Valium). None reported to date |
The Testing Procedure:
Learn what test is being used. There are three that are quite common. The EMIT, Abuscreen (RIA), and ToxiLab (TLC). If you find out that they are doing Gas-Chromatography/Mass-Spectrometry (GC/MS), then you are totally screwed. The GC/MS is the chemical equivalent of finding a needle in a haystack. It finds EVERYTHING and is IMPOSSIBLE to cheat on. Fortunately, GC/MS is VERY expensive, and it is only used for confirmation tests. Don't worry about it.
The EMIT test does NOT scan for LSD, RIA does. If you use ethylalcohol or barbituates, RIA does not scan for them, but EMIT does. Also, nothing currently scans for Ecstasy, Psylocybin, mescaline,or nicotine.
If you are in the military, you are going to be tested with RIA. The majority of federal agencies screen with EMIT. Private sector companies split between EMIT and TLC. No problem.... all are about equally beatable.
Slight of Hand:
Something like 5% of the public finds it impossible to urinate with somebody nearby. More find it difficult to void under direct observation. It's a documented medical condition, known as "blushing kidneys." Although a minority are afflicted, who is to say you're not one of them? A doctor's note or plaintive insistence of "Please, I can't do it if you're watching" will do wonders for insuring privacy.
Be creative when you're in the bathroom. Use your body to disrupt line-of-sight observance. Hand placement can conceal a lot of activity,but block with anything else that's available. Males might say they only urinate sitting down. Like a good magician, distract the observer. Ask them to run the faucet; say that the sound of running water coaxes your own activity. Practice, practice, practice!
Observers, though they may not show it, are embarrassed as you are. The longer you take to urinate, the longer the line behind you grows. Apply enough pressure and they'll give you the latitude you need to perform your little alchemy. Why all the contortion? Because you want to make some subtle substitutions, replacing your urine with clean stuff.
Warm and Dry:
Assume a temperature reading will be taken from the specimen. Don't swap an ice-cold brew for tepid pee. The standard temperature that they're looking for is between 90.5 and 99.8 degrees Fahrenheit.
Getting pure urine is the first step to making an effective substitution. Know your source. A relative, a minister, an infant,anyone that can be counted on for "clean" urine should be tapped. The sample should be as fresh as possible. If you need to keep it a few days before the switcheroo, stick it in the refrigerator. After a two month period of drug abstinence, you can make your own samples galore and freeze them indefinitely in plastic baggies until needed.
WARNING!! Do not substitute animal urine, or make urine from food coloring and water. They are easily detected.
Houdini in the Washroom:
The substitute urine is clean and warm. Now you need a device to get it into the bathroom. At a pharmacy, purchase a Bard Dispoz-a-Bag Drainage Bag or other similar product made for temporary use by ambulant patients. Cost, under $4.00. They come in different sizes. In our trials, the large leg bag worked best because the extra volume and shape allowed for a flatter distribution along the midsection where you'll be wearing it. It has a short tube and cap, but you can add a short piece of rubber tubing and a valve for easy filling.
When a test is imminent, fill and seal the bag with clean urine. Squeeze all of the air out, seal, and put it on - remembering that it can't withstand more than eighteen hours at room temperature. So if the test doesn't go down, take the bag home and put it back in the fridge or freezer. You can repeat this as many times as needed.
Here's the correct procedure for concealing the bag. Pull down your skirt or pants. Secure the bag to your abdomen, exposing as much of the latex to your skin as possible. The more surface area taken up,the flatter the bag will lie, and the better concealed it will be. Using the abdomen, not the leg, will let gravity do its thing. Tape it in place. If you don't want to tape it to your body, it might rest easy if you wear panties or jockey shorts. Women shouldn't push it inside panty hose because when you take them off to pee, it'll fall out, unless you cut a pee hole for the hose. You can also purchase incontinence pants for about ten dollars. These give a firm fit, additional warmth, and need no tape. If you need, buy a spool of surgical tape.
Now, snake the output tube from the bag to your crotch. The tube and the on/off cap should be within easy reach, but hidden from sight. It should also feel comfortable - strange at first, but comfortable. After a few hours, you'll forget about it. When the time comes for you to "urinate", discreetly reach into your clothing, locate and turn on the release valve, or take off the cap. The "clean" urine will empty into the jar, apparently your own product. When the bag is empty, or you feel you have given enough, turn off the supply, zip up, shake your read end, and smile. A few drops on your shoe or the seat adds a measure of authenticity.
This method works well for two reasons.
- First, urine observers are on the outlook for bulk- glass jars, things concealed in pockets, and so forth. While someone will occasionally ask you to remove a coat, frisks and strip searches are verboten. And someone would have to get awfully close to see the small hose at work. Men standing with their backs to the observers and women sitting with their skirts up are shields enough. The drainage bag is form-fitting, especially when taped flat. No one but you knows it's there.
- Second, your abdomen serves as a heating pad, radiating body warmth directly to the sample. In an hour the bag will be near enough to body temperature.
As good as the bag trick is, it may not be right for everyone. A good variation. Purchase a few reservoir-tipped condoms (non-lubricated, please). Fill one, pull a second over it (to prevent bursts), and tape it as close to your crotch as possible. When the time comes to urinate, with a pre sharpened fingernail, puncture the reservoir tip, and go with the flow.
Women have an anatomical advantage, the option of inserting a urine-filled condom within the vagina. Again, use sharpened fingernails or a concealed pin to get things flowing. Even at extra-close range, it's virtually impossible to tell the source of the yellow stream. These techniques should be tried and perfected at home. Novices should use water in their dry runs.
Dilution:
Diluting urine in the specimen jar is invariably more effective than diluting it in your bladder. In fact, dilution was so rampant that Edwin Meese ordered all federal toilets filled with blue dye before a urinalysis. The toilet was one source of dilution the urine copshadn't thought of earlier.
If a surprise urinalysis is forced on you, don't panic. You're in luck if you're looking into clear water. Dip the specimen cup and fill half full of toilet water. Dry the outside. Fill the rest with your own urine and shake. Rub the jar with your hands to warm. Presto, the sample should be dilute enough to fall below the cut off point.
Complete privacy means opportunity galore. Rinse and fill the specimen jar with hot water to increase the temperature; then dump it clean. Never use scalding water, since that may put it out side the acceptable temperature range and could even crack a thick,cold container. Don't be alarmed if you don't have a thermometer. Your finger is a reliable dipstick.
Although the Health and Human Services Administration insists that toilets be dyed blue, low-level sources inside government washrooms assure us that in most cases the dye is dumped only in the bowl, leaving you fresh, clear water in the tank. Avail yourself of the porcelain oasis. But be careful - removing the tank top makes a lot of noise. And don't flush if you are ordered not to. The thin copper or plastic spout in the tank contains freshwater. Push down on the big float to activate the fresh-water spout. Avail yourself. Take that, Blue Water Meanies!
If you're a moderate drug user, or your last use wasn't last night,as little as one third cup of water can make all the difference between negative and positive results. Conceal water in your mouth, in a rubber between your legs or under your arms. Be resourceful. Don't use spit!Saliva contains some tell-tale metabolites.
Color Bias:
Although the color of urine varies from person to person and hour to hour (depending on diet, metabolism, etc., it is nearly always yellow), there is an unconscious Enforcer bias that rich yellow urine is the real thing. Dilution diminishes the color, so it's semi-important to compensate. No problem. Taking vitamin C capsules will give your urine a darker shade of yellow. When you then dilute it, it will balance back to innocent mellow yellow. The vitamins increase the odor, which also compensates for the added water.
Chemical Additives:
Three tablespoons of iodized salt dumped into the sample and quickly stirred will deceive EMIT tests for ALL substances. The salt, and electrolyte, increases the conductivity of the specimen, and makes it harder for the binding reagents to find their target metabolites. Just make sure all of the salt goes into solution. There's nothing more incriminating than a small pile of insoluble salt at the bottom of the jar. One quarter cup of hydrogen peroxide will also work, as will 3-4 tablespoons of concentrated ammonia or chlorine bleach. That about does it.
This information all came from the book "Steal this Urine Test" by Abbie Hoffman. I highly recommend this book for further details. While I provided the majority of the "how to beat the test" type info, he goes into the legality of drug testing, etc. Best of luck beating the bladder cops!
